Hateful Thing #17

A good lover will behave as elegantly at dawn as at any other time. He drags himself out of bed with a look of dismay on his face. The lady urges him on; “Come, my friend, it’s getting light. You don’t want anyone to find you here.” He gives a deep sigh, as if to say that the night has not been nearly long enough and that it is agony to leave. Once up, he does not instantly pull on his jeans. Instead he comes close to the lady and whispers whatever was left unsaid during the night. Even when he is dressed, he still lingers, vaguely pretending to be buttoning his shirt.

Presently he opens the door, and the two lovers stand together by the side door while he tells her how he dreads the coming day, which will keep them apart; then he slips away, after promising to add her on Facebook. The lady watches him go, and this moment of parting will remain among her most charming memories—until she remembers that they sit next to each other in econ class.

Hateful Thing #16

A lover who is leaving at dawn announces that he has to find his phone and his wallet. “I know I put them somewhere last night,” he says. Since it is pitch dark, he gropes about the room, bumping into the furniture and muttering, “Shit! Where on earth can they be?’ Finally he discovers the objects. He thrusts the wallet into the pocket of his jeans with a great effort; then he snaps open his phone and busily texts away with it. Only now is he ready to take his leave. What charmless behavior! “Hateful” is an understatement.

Hateful Thing #15

A gentleman who travels alone on foot to see a Goodrich dance or some other spectacle. What sort of a man is he? Even though he may not be a person of the greatest quality, surely he should have taken along a few of the many young men who are anxious to see the girls, ahem, sights. But no, he sits alone (one can see that he does not even care to dance), with a proud look on his face, eyeing everyone else and texting his bros.

Hateful Thing #14

I hate people whose text messages show that they lack respect for world civilities, whether by discourtesy in the placement of an unsuitable emoticon or by deliberate misspellings of common phrases like “Thanks” or “What’s up.” This sort of thing is, of course, most odious is the text message is for oneself, but it is bad enough even if it is sent to someone else.

Hateful Thing #13

I cannot stand people who leave without holding the door open behind them for one.

Hateful Thing #12

The sound of birds when they chirp in the early blue morning, when one has finally finished the last paragraph of one’s paper on Nicomachean Ethics, is ominous and hateful.

Hateful Thing #11

A newcomer pushes ahead of the others in the line at snack bar; with a knowing look, this person starts talking loudly to his friends in front, forcing his opinions of the night’s gelato flavors upon everyone – most hateful.

Hateful Thing #10

A certain gentleman whom one does not want to see appears at snack bar and asks for a share in one’s buffalo fries. One pretends not to hear. But a mutual friend comes to tell one, with a look on her face that says, “What a pig!” Very hateful.

Hateful Thing #9

Sunday afternoon: deliciously hungover, one is the middle of telling a story about “last night” when someone butts in and asks to join one’s brunch table. Upon receiving the reluctant “Oh, sure” (for it would be awkward to say “no”), he begins to brag about his own debauched night. Such a person is hateful, and so, indeed, is anyone, child or adult, who tries to push himself forward.

Hateful Thing #8

One has been foolish enough to invite a man to spend the night in an unsuitable place – and then one’s roommate comes back from the library.

Hateful Thing #7

An admirer has come on a clandestine visit, but someone downstairs burns popcorn and a fire alarm starts blaring. One feels like killing the beast.

Hateful Thing #6

One is just about to be told some interesting piece of news in Schow Library when someone starts coughing.

The coughs resound, circling about with loud echoes. Everyone stares, glowering.

Hateful Thing #5

To envy others and to complain about one’s own lot; to engage in competitions of “who has the most work to do this week”; to speak badly about people in public; to be inquisitive about the most trivial matters and to resent and abuse people for not telling one, or if one does manage to worm out some facts, to inform everyone in the most detailed fashion through excruciatingly self-indulgent Facebook status updates – oh, how hateful!

Hateful Thing #4

I hate the sight of boys in their solo cups who shout, poke their fingers in their mouths, stroke their nonexistent beards, and pass on the Keystone to their neighbors with great cries of “Have some more! Drink up!” They tremble, shake their heads, twist their faces, and gesticulate like children, singing, “And a Jay-Z song was on, and a Jay-Z song was on.” I have seen really well-bred people behave like this and I find it most distasteful, though cheering. There is something about a man who is unafraid to admit his enjoyment of Miley Cyrus that is rather encouraging.

Hateful Thing #3

A classmate who has obviously not done the reading for class discusses all sorts of subjects and themes at random as though he knew everything. It is even more hateful when, after a sleepless night in which one was too busy working on a paper to do the reading, one finds that one has become this classmate.

Hateful Thing #2

One finds that hair that is not one’s own has got caught in the dorm shower drain again, preventing the soap lather from being washed down smoothly and making a nasty, bubbling sound. I hate communal living.

Hateful Things, Part 1

This month's topic is "Hateful Things.' Cause I know yall are haters just like I am. Read, comment, add me!

One is in a hurry to leave the classroom for an important meeting once a lecture is finished, but departure is prevented by the chatter of the classmate nearest one. If it is someone of no importance, one can get rid of him by saying, “Well, I have to run to the gym now before all the ellipticals are taken!” or “Tell me about it on Facebook”; but, should it be the sort of person whose presence commands one’s best behavior, such as the cute boy that sometimes sits next to one and asks to borrow pens, the situation is hateful indeed. The cuteness of said boy is also regrettably diminished at such moments, especially when he neglects to return the pens.